Wandering and Wondering – Jennifer

  • October 23, 2014

It was after the service this past Easter, and I was walking to my car and talking to Angela Walker. I remember telling her, if I want my life to be different, unless I change something nothing’s likely to change. And that was the first time I remember thinking it was time for me to explore churches and what might be next for me.

I had been feeling restless with my life for over a year, and my housegroup had been there as I’d ventured into some new communities (and had even helped me set up a profile for an online dating site!). But this felt different to me, and as I talked to friends about it, I was surprised how much it made sense to them in my journey.

I started out with a few ideas about visiting congregations in the north shore near where I live, but not really knowing what I needed. I didn’t feel I could really look for a church home, so I decided to visit different places in order to see what God was doing in different congregations and communities.

I’d visited five or six churches when some stressful things began to happen in my life. I remember waking up on a Sunday morning and thinking I just wanted to go back to one particular church near my home – that it felt like a safe place to struggle and take my stress.

And that’s how I ended up finding my place this summer at Trinity Episcopal Church in Highland Park. Far quicker than anything I’d expected, I’ve connected with people, begun serving in the reading and congregational prayer ministry, and somehow found myself facilitating the adult Sunday School class – being presented with opportunities I didn’t expect to use my gifts and passions. I don’t know what all God is doing with me and in me, but I feel like I’m in the right place and he is doing something.

For me, it feels less like a story of “wonder” and more like a story of wandering and wondering. I’m exploring who I am and who God is making me, and wondering where all this might take me. And I’d be grateful for your prayers in that journey.

A friend sent me a prayer by Thomas Merton a few weeks ago that really resonates with how I’ve felt in this season:

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

Most of the time, this journey feels like shadows and light interwoven. I’m not sure of myself, but I would appreciate prayers that no matter what all I’m not sure of, I’d be sure of Jesus.